AckWorks

Unattended Television

Things on the web are getting worse and worse. We know this. It's gotten so bad there are real-life bestsellers (y'know, made of paper!) on the subject. YouTube is a prime example, and it's been total shit even longer than the small handful of other websites everyone uses. Un-usability is and has been their calling card for at least the last decade.

In that decade, I've battled the confines and quirks of said site to make my "Unattended Television" project (which you can see off to the ⬅left⬅ of this pane if you're reading this embedded on my flawless website).

The project is a collection of odd, low-view-count videos I've found over the years. In the early days, some came to me by the grace of the algorithm (which has gotten much worse, natch), but many more were dug up by searching random phrases, tagged locations, sorting by "new," or using tools like Project Random designed to show "random" videos (tho I have gotten the same videos more than once on that site, so I wonder how random it truly is...).

The pieces range from seconds-long clips (bizarre local commercials, selfie videos taken by crack-smoking elderly dudes, epic stopmo action figure fights choreographed by tweens) to ten-plus-minute slogs (work presentations, obsolete transmissions from high school newsrooms, episodes of Super President). The number of entries currently stands around 300, tho I can't say how many videos have disappeared from the web since the project started.

My biases are on full display here: I avoid video gaming and modern internet/meme content almost entirely, and heavily focus on bizarre musical performances, amateur films, home movies, and public access TV. I wanted a collection of flawed real things made by real people, so I tend to shy away from pieces with high production value. And a whole lot of this art comes from the American Midwest.

Below are a few standouts.

Little Wings // Mark Gormley

Oldheads may recognize this semi-viral smash from this sadly deceased artiste.

I've always been interested in offbeat music and read Irwin Chusid's Songs in the Key of Z at a formative age. Gormley isn't that far out, but his songs do have a peculiar vibe. The video was produced by the prolific Uncharted Zone, a Florida collective that has been producing low-budget music videos since early internet days.

DeMonD The Movie // Antonio Hutton

Frenetic low-budget superhero action from Ohio! I haven't seen anything quite like this movie. According to an interview Hutton's daughter gave (certainly not under duress) on her high school announcements(?), he went into the project knowing little to nothing about how to make a movie, and just figured it out on the fly.

Green screens are used almost constantly (even for non-super things like trips to the gym and fistfights in open fields), babies cry in the background, characters grow and shrink at random, and audio clips are used, reused, and then reused again. There's at least one actor who only shot a small bit of footage and appears as a PNG for most of his screen time.

The last third of the film is an orgy of violence, somehow more interminable than even the longest Marvel movie. It all blends into one big goo as you sink into the couch and wonder why you chose to spend Saturday night watching the same fight set piece play out 15 times in a row in slightly different locales.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that this took a decade to make. I can't wait to see what the sequel brings.

DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS // Tonetta

This is an unbelievable low fidelity heater of a song and video from the supremely odd (and kinda creepy) Tonetta. You'll get the idea after about fifteen seconds, but will no doubt shed a tear when the shredding ends. I think some notable indie band covered it (to lesser effect, of course) a few years back.

Where Is The Masked Dorito? - Part 2 // Jimmie Vestal

A great injustice was done in 2014. Frito-Lay held their then-annual "Crash the Super Bowl Big Game" contest, which invited small-time creatives to shoot their own Doritos commercials, a couple of which would be placed in the year's most coveted ad spots.

Masked Floridian Jimmie Vestal (who can also lay claim to a robust music career and several other entries on this playlist) created a series of ads for the contest. Armed with little more than a camcorder, black-and-white movie clips, and some sort of satanic, talking digital Dorito, Vestal produced roughly ten ads. All were predictably ignored by the mouth breathers at Frito Lay in favor of some fancy-shmancy hipster pablum. Just imagine what Jimmie coulda done with the million dollar prize...

According to dubious sources, Vestal now has dementia and lives in a nursing home without internet access. Unfortunately, real life isn't always like those old westerns...

"Ask Jesus" To Come Sit On Your Heart // Norma Lee

This is a precious gem. Norma Lee (who has plenty of other worthwhile stuff online) yodels and moans her way thru this tune guaranteed to reassure anyone who is struggling; If your problems become too many, your heart too heavy, and you're not sure where to turn, just ask Jesus to "sit on it!"

Family Feud Audition - The Sturm Family // Edward Sturm

When I was 15 or so, an hilarious internet video made the rounds. It featured a rather... homely family of Virginians singing about how great summer was! The band was known as Three Beat Slide, and I was known as totally hooked. They had a special something many viral sensations didn't—plausible deniability.

I couldn't for the life of me tell how much of what they were doing was serious. If it was a parody, there were no winks at the camera, no cracks in the facade. Even when they appeared on Tosh.0, they seemed to be playing it straight. They never advertised any products, never tried to capitalize on the success of their big hit, hardly even posted any more music!

I dug deep. I needed answers. That's how I found Edward Sturm, Jr.'s personal channel, featured here. The band appears with their mother and cousin in this short clip, their incandescent personalities on full display. It's a wonder they weren't picked for the show.

They also say "boobs."

This was the proof I needed. The Sturms are just the Sturms, for better or worse. They continue putting out music as of my writing this, and their web store is still full of great merch (including their homemade board game (complete with beads in takeout sauce cups) that I wasted $40 on!). Not everything is perfect, though; It seems they may never host another meet-and-greet at the Sprint mobile phone store.

Serious Auto Crash? Get Serious Legal Help Today! // Janssen Law Center

I better not get sued for this. Local commercials! Awkward, cheap, often unintentionally hilarious. You used to see a whole lot more of those back when we, y'know, watched TV. It's rare that we see them these days, but YouTube still serves up a winner once in a blue moon.

This is a connoisseur's local commercial. No abrasive music, no flashing lights, no balding, pudgy, middle-aged man screaming at the camera. This is Janssen Law Center, for chrissake! Shaky, dignified b-roll, a smoky-voiced narrator, and exquisite cue card work from a skeletal man whom I can only assume is the patriarchal Janssen. His mumbling is the truly notable piece of this puzzle, especially when quoth the Janssen:

"You have peace of mind knowing that the Janssen Law Center will do everything......... under the law on your behalf."

That pregnant pause probably means nothing, but I know who I'm calling if I end up in a real sticky situation. That he says it while standing in front of toy cars, a stuffed elephant, and a five-foot-tall photograph (in a gilded frame!) of his wife leaning on a piano is merely icing on the cake.

Think Celestial // The Myles Revolution

There are many lustrous jewels on this list, but only ONE shining superstar: Myles Reck (nom de plume The Myles Revolution), Evangelical and Secular Singer Extraordinaire. I think I found Myles on one of my deep dives back when I lived in Champaign-Urbana (well, actually Savoy), Illinois. Who was this great musician with a love for Jesus, an ear for corny synth instruments, and a bottomless well of melody? One of my neighbors!

Well, he actually lived about twenty minutes away, but he often trekked to my city, and it was neat to see the local landmarks featured in his videos. But I didn't include him for that. I included him cuz he sure knows his way around a hook.

If you shuffle the playlist, up will crop his feverish pop, warped waltzes, & peppy paeans to non-believers. He has a foot in two worlds—the secular and the religious. He often rips lyrics directly from the Book of Mormon, but sometimes skulks around on a playground crooning about how much he loves his adopted kids. Or the imminent apocalypse ("A trump will sound..."). The man loves to clamber around on a metal structure. That's production value, baby!

I recommend you deep-dive his channel, and be sure to seek out his unsolicited advertisement for a local pizza parlor.

The Boy Who Saw Christ Trailer // Caglevision

I will always take time out of my day to watch an independent movie trailer, especially that of a religious film. The combo of inept film making and absurd religious messaging is too much! This one features the sensitive story of a boy who met Jesus in a public bathroom(?) and the full movie seems to be available for free elsewhere on YouTube.

Unfortunately, it seems the filmmaker has been bitten by the AI bug. How many inept directors will we lose to this plague?!

The Biden Bop // Neale Knight

It's a miracle YouTube doesn't think I'm an 85yo right-wing religious nut. Here's a great missed hit from a musician I can find little about—for once clad in pedestrian clothes rather than his typical New Colony Six + bell bottoms vibe (watch literally any of his other videos for reference).

He hits all the right talking points: "Biden is old, Biden falls down, he's totally unlike the vigorous politician I like (despite their being the same age)," all while dancing his little butt off. If you're gonna tell me this isn't on par with those great sixties hits Knight loves, then you'll probably also tell me the 2020 election wasn't stolen! Ha!

SNN Live 2017-18 Episode 57 // SNN Live

I could go on all week. But I want you to find some of these treasures on your own. I'll cap things off with this archetypal example of a perfect live broadcast.

It all begins with an audible "Rolling!" after a minute of silence. What follows is six minutes of teenage cinematic bliss:

This is very funny, and a great nostalgia trip for anyone who, like me, ever had a hand in producing their high school announcements.

I could probably go on about how important this stuff is, how internet videos can provide an intimate window into other people's lives, blah blah blah. But it's a lot more fun for you to click "shuffle" and see what happens. I have grander plans for this collection, but for now, please enjoy a few hours of the finest YouTube things you've never seen!